Sunday, May 01, 2005

My blog philosophy...

Well, I’ve been thinking quite a bit the last day or so about this blog. Why do I write it? Why do I make it public? What’s the point? I mean, it seems like it opens me up to possible vulnerability and embarrassment or at the least having to explain myself and possibly defending it. I mean, not like so many people read it, really. I don't think so, anyway. But why do I do it?

I saw an article on about “celebrity blogs” and my stomach tightened up as soon as I saw it. Not that I think my low level of celebrity would fall above the demarcation that would make me part of the article or anything. It was just…oh gawd, what a horrifying thing that would be to have your blog ramblings out there for the world to pick over.

And I don’t see the purpose of writing something unless you are totally honest and honest means a lot of pimples and rash not-completely-thought-out statements and perhaps an incorrect view into me and what the crap do I even care that people know about me?

Am I so egocentric that I need to feel I am writing something about my day that someone might read and get something out of? And if they do, is this what I want?

Then I spent a good deal of time yesterday wondering if, since I no longer think a God is listening compassionately to my inner thoughts, if I write my blog to compensate. I mean, I am saying my inner most thoughts and I’m sending them out there into this nowhere land that’s unidentifiable and sometimes people actually listen and write back. Is the web my new version of God? I used to write a personal diary. Three pages a day, long hand, and I did it for five years. Now I'm going through it to find parts that I will use to jog my memory for my book. 90% of it is crap. What I ate and how fat I feel and why doesn't some guy like me better and honestly it's mind-numbing that this was my life and these were my thoughts. My diary helped me work through a lot of things, and even aided me in my thoughts about God. I worked it all out on paper. And there are such sad, vulnerable parts: like during my big travels when I went off for months at a time all by myself and it might seem like that's so personally romantic and worldly -- and it actually was -- but it was also filled with a lot of painful loneliness. And I really forget that part of it. And... well...

So…here’s what I came up with.

No. My blog is not my new way to talk to the universe. I honestly don’t think I’m that needy. I really do think I could stop it anytime I wish. I mean, I don’t even write that often, and I would be thankful not to have some ill-thought-through comment hanging out there for someone to comment on. So, no I do not need to write my blog.

My shows, and my book, have long considered ideas and musings that I will defend and be proud of. At least, that’s the idea… So, it’s not like my thoughts won’t be out there at some point.

And yet, I am going to continue to write it.

Okay, it’s really Penn Jillette, which is making me continue this thing. He has a blog, well, I don’t know if it’s called a blog, but it’s a diary online that gets mailed to your inbox. You have to sign up for it and I think it’s just for friends and acquaintances. And I don’t even know Penn all that well. I mean, I’ve known him for a long time and I really like him, but I don’t really, really know him. But now I feel I do know him better. I really enjoy getting caught up with him and knowing the little details of his life.

And there are a couple of other people; even a few other people, whose blogs I read and I really, really like it. It’s a weird, fun, intimate and not-intimate way of knowing people better. I’ve learned things and laughed and felt more a part of people’s lives because of it. So…hurray, BLOGS!

Plus, I do not write about a lot of things – believe me, my blog is not my most inner thoughts. I mean, obviously. I have all kinds of thoughts that are not public in any way. So, it’s not like it robs me of my personal private thoughts about many things.

So, what I came up with is this: I’m going to write more often. Like every day. If I can. And then I’m not going to make my blog an entry in one of the bubbles on my home page, so I’m not really promoting it. Somehow this makes me feel better about it, like it’s slightly hidden or something. And of course, no is forced to read it. Anyone who reads it presumably wants to read it. Right? I mean, that’s why I read blogs, why I read anything at all.

I don’t know why this was all so hard to work out in my head yesterday, but there you go. And it's not like anyone cares or wants me to explain myself. I guess I just needed to explain myself to myself.


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